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For-give-ness Letters for Parents/Caregivers


Transfiguring your past from the perspectives of the three persons in you into one; your inner child, the present you and the optimum you that is attempting to come into being, is the most essential step in the healing process. Having suppressed emotions from the family of origin provokes the same patterns you endured as a child to reemerge in the present moment time and time again. By transfiguring the past, you exorcise your limitations and make available much more energy for unfolding joy in the present moment. You will also eradicate viral patterns that are passed down the generations of your family, or otherwise called exorcising demons. I prefer to call it debugging your software code that uploads your reality experiences. That is why all religions teach forgiveness of the past, to love and forgive your enemies and to not judge yourself or others in the present.  However, there is a great deal of misunderstanding of how one is to forgive. Forgiveness is quite different than what most people think it is.


Let’s first discuss what forgiveness is NOT:

It is NOT “letting something go” or “getting over it”

It is NOT “taking the higher road”

It is NOT pretending it didn’t happen

It is NOT saying "it's in the past, move on"




For-give-ness is properly engaged when one realizes the viral pattern information (bad deeds - sin - faulty beliefees) as separate from the person or entity that carried out the destructive acts. This is what Don Miguel Ruiz was sharing in Four Agreements of not taking anything personally. This process is powerful because it helps you to detect how a destructive beliefee or behavioral pattern, which I most often refer to as a viral program rather than "demon", slips from generation to generation without detection. If you learn how it operates by tracking it from person to person or generation to generation, then you can disable it and transfigure it to work for you and not against you. Calling out a demon by name is the same as understanding how a viral program has operated in your family’s lineage; causing feelings of unworthiness through victim/perpetrator perspectives held by the family members. These permeate destructive manifestations into reality that are reflective of the viral pattern. This can include health, relationships, occupation, finances, intelligence, etc.


A passed down viral program eventually portrays itself as genetic or inherited behavioral, relational, emotional or physical issues, ailments, diseases or pain. Mapping these issues in your family will help you better inform yourself to call this demon out by name, so to speak, so that you can disarm this viral program and its destructive effects. Revealing or uncovering the family’s skeletons in the closet and studying these in order to identify the associated patterns is much easier to do when you are able to examine at least three generations. The letter writing process that I am taking you through is designed to energetically dispel any emotions that you have not allowed yourself to express for one reason or another. It's time to process these traumas and reprogram your mind. Scientifically, we are debugging and re-routing synaptic data in the amygdales and the hippocampus of the brain.


Goal for Letters

You are engaging this process to gain a new perspective of yourself and the person/entity that you are working to for-give. This process will aid in expressing suppressed emotion, rebuking programming you no longer want to experience, transforming limiting beliefs into truths,  understanding how viral patterns were triggered in each generation, releasing shame/blame/avoidance programming, forgiving yourself and the participant, transforming reactive behavior, understanding the deeper purpose of what you suffered, recognizing the gifts, strengths, pathways and ultimate purpose these circumstances issued and turning the entire experience with this individual into a blessing.


Steps Before You Write

  1. Pray or Program the Lord’s Prayer with very conscious intention and understanding. This will expedite this process by commanding that all is revealed to you to do this work. It protects yourself and the parent/caregiver from further harm and disables the trigger mechanisms so that you can face what needs to be transfigured. It draws forth insight and revelation to understand all points of perspective to forgive and leads you to turn the lead to gold.

  2. Each parent/caregiver will require a letter. Choose which parent/caregiver you are ready to for-give first. You should begin with the parent/caregiver that you feel caused the most damage. Only one caregiver/parent should be focused on at a time. A lot of change in your environment will be stimulated and you do not want too much change to happen all at once or you can get overwhelmed.

  3. Make a list of the personal traumas that you experienced due to this individual. Make note of any resentment, pain, grief, shame, blame, avoidance, lingering behaviors or limiting beliefs that you have specific to that parent/caregiver.

  4. Gather as much trauma information regarding this family member’s generational line before you begin so that you can identify viral patterns and link them through 3 generations.

  5. Make note of the significant partners and children you have affected similarly as well so that you can include that link that information as well.

Part 1:  Victim

Expressing Unsaid Words, Rebuke and Reprogramming


  1. Write a heartfelt letter to your parent/caregiver expressing the emotions that you still hold within you. Be very descriptive and write it in first person. (For Example: “Dad, you really hurt me deeply when you would state that I was good for nothing and couldn’t do anything right. It made me feel lesser for years and I learned to treat myself poorly and tolerated others that mistreated me too.”) Discuss how it affected you when the events originally occurred and how it still affects you to this present day.

  2. Be sure to include the limiting beliefs it caused in you.

  3. Rebuke the poor behaviors and limiting beliefs. (For example: “It wasn’t ok for you to control me so much because it made me believe that I am not capable and that I am unworthy. This is not true about me.”)

  4. State what is true about you in I AM THAT I AM statements that reprogram that former limiting belief. (Example: “I am worthy and I am capable. God made me in His image and that is how I see myself now.”)

Part 2:  Perpetrator or Perpetuator

Taking Accountability, Understanding Parent/Caregiver

Perspective, Forgiveness, Changing Behaviors


  1. When we suppress emotion, it causes us to react to triggers and commit similar occurrences to loved ones in our lives. It’s important to see where you have re-enacted the continuance of these viral patterns that you received from this parent/caregiver. Share with this person how you have done so in a similar manner (perpetrate) to someone else or to yourself. You may have done opposite of them because you wanted to be NOT like them (perpetuate). However, this is not healthy either because we often over-correct and stimulate someone else to become like the individual we are resentful towards.

  2. Share in your letter your understanding of what might have provoked them to act in such a way from their family of origin. It is important for you to validate them and their hardships just like you hope they validate your experience. Give them grace.

  3. The goal here is for both of you to understand that you are both suffering from the same viral patterns. By doing this, you can both realize that you were ignorantly reacting to childhood trauma and cease taking what happened personally. See it for what it is: a series of traumas that overwhelmed and skewed each person’s perspective to react poorly. This is what for-give-ness is. It’s seeing what came beFORe and who did you GIVE that viral pattern to without knowing it. This is where you have UNDERSTANDING. State to that parent/caregiver, “I forgive you for you knew not what you were doing as I can now forgive myself for doing the same.” Separate the sin (poor behaviors based on viral patterns) from you and them.

  4. Profess in your letter the people you have also infected and what your plan will be to address it with them and take accountability. Also, speak about what behaviors you will be changing with your newfound understanding.


And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Luke 23:34


Part 3:  Alchemy: Turning Lead to Gold

Notating Blessings in Disguise and Purpose


  1. Express gratitude in this portion of your letter by panning out and seeing the big picture. How can you turn this into gold? This is the question to be answered in this portion. Give thanks to creation for the suffering because it produced passions, pathways, gifts, and strengths in you. Really go deep and recognize the beautiful person you are today by listing all of the blessings this suffering generated when you were in survival mode. Take time here to also notate the positives this parent/caregiver stimulated in you as well. Thank this person for participating in your life and express love and acceptance. Thank creation/higher power for guiding you this process and turn this entire endeavor into gold. Make mention of how you can put this gold to purpose in your life. Have no regrets.

  2. You know you have succeeded at doing this, when you can think of this parent/caregiver and feel the gold and gratitude instead of the old traumas.

  3. This must be shared, or it doesn’t produce optimum results.



Final Step:  Share it to Wear it

Sharing Is the Most Crucial Part


You must use your voice and share this intimate process to rearchitect the mind and attract new chemistry and experiences. It is best to share this with the parent/caregiver in person or by phone/video, especially if you would like to continue a relationship with them. It is also important to share this with the people you identified in part 2 that you infected with the viral pattern too.

When it is time to share the letter or talk about the bullet points of the letter, it is important to first share the process that you have been engaging. You may want to share with them the goal of this process that I included at the top of this excerpt. That way they understand that this is not to blame them, but to heal anything still left between you. Remember, that this is a loving process that could help them to heal too if they participate.


When you are sharing it aloud, be sure to engage your feeling centers and read slowly with pauses, so you and the other person can interact with it effectively. It’s most effective when both parties are moved (tearing, weeping). Moving mountains cannot occur until you feel moved within.


There are some special circumstances that may not permit direct sharing with the individual/entity you wrote it to. The process may need to be shared with a “stand-in” witness instead. In these cases, sharing with someone within the family or close to the circumstance can create catharsis as well. It can also help them if they have had similar suffering. This is also helpful if your parent/caregiver has passed over already. However, be sure to read it to the passed over loved one’s spirit with a person to witness. Really imagine them in the room to get full affect.


"For where two or three have gathered together in My (Christos function) name, I am there in their midst. "Matthew 18:20




Much will change around you. The physical environment begins to shift to match the renewed architecture of your mind. There is a lag between mind and body, and it is important to reflect on this process many times and share it with as many as possible to permanently embed the new wiring and shift your homeostasis or default programming of your mind.

Many people have aversions to change. For instance, if that job you are currently in is merely a reflection of the relationship you had with the parent/caregiver you just forgave, it may begin to shift away or your desire to stay employed there may suddenly end. Your natural inclination may be to cling to it because it is familiar (family-like) and it’s all you know. It’s how you provide. Don’t fret when this happens. Understand it. Know that if you continue to ASK & RECEIVE with the Lord’s Prayer, the optimum pathway will be able to be perceived by you and will coordinate with the purpose you gleaned in Part 3 of your letter. You will unfold a greater avenue of provision that propagates joy and abundance.

Your parent/caregiver patterns created your pathways until now. You are now converging to your optimum pathway. You must let go of the former to gain the latter. However, a smooth transfer occurs when you are aware of the convergence. When you resist, it can feel very uncomfortable.

Your relationships will also transform. The key here is to remain compassionately authentic. If certain people back away, they are not aligned with your new state of mind and environment. If they draw closer, they are aligned with you. Again, don’t cling and try to force things to happen in your old habitual mindset. Let go and let God as it is said. Just because someone is “family”, doesn’t mean that they are meant to be in your new framework. New people will come upon you that make better sense for you. Allow that.

Some people experience radical transformation in their relationships that they are currently in because those folks were simply acting out your viral patterns for you to take notice to heal. Once you do this work, they no longer act out scripts you were trying to heal. This is remarkable to experience, but not true for all relationships. It depends on the other person’s awareness and consciousness level of being.

From this point forward, you will be doing hippocampus clean up work. Mainstream therapists call this Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Alternative therapists may call it affirmation therapy or mantras. The key to this portion of your healing process is to pay special attention to what is attracted to you in the present. If something feels off, ASK your consciousness to reverse engineer its existence. You will RECEIVE information on what limited beliefee or mindset caused its existence or what interaction is still needing attention. You will need to reprogram real time and shift the synapses that brought up the “off” feeling.

In summary, continue to maneuver to your optimum path. Be always compassionately authentic. Stay connected to God by making time for connection and reflection. Maintain awareness and transform limiting data. Be grateful every day for anything and everything that comes your way. It’s either a moment to clean something up or it’s a creation from your optimum path formatting. Resent nothing, Regret nothing. Understand everything. Be glad to be alive!

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